​Living in a state of chaos can shape our definitions of survival, purpose, and love. For some, doing everything possible to cut out chaos is how we show love.
 
Shirzad Chamine, the author of “Positive Intelligence”, explained that growing up in chaos and unhappiness can drive a person to always want to do everything well. Fixing problems, making other people’s lives easier, and making people happy will make you happy. The concern with that idea is you cannot control what makes other people happy and to what extent. You may spend time doing a lot for other people that does not make them happy, which then makes you unhappy.
 
From a life purpose perspective, consider that the problem you are trying to fix for someone else is theirs to fix. Maybe the problem is supposed to help them grow. So, if you fix someone else’s problem, you may rob them of their ability to learn a life lesson and to grow as a person. This is a very hard thing to acknowledge, especially if that someone is a loved one. For example, if a loved one is a drug addict and their addiction is harming them, you may want very much to help them. You want to fix them and make them happy so that they will not need to turn to drugs. But at what point does trying to help them start to weigh on you to the point of harming you.
 
You cannot deplete your energy trying to solve someone else’s problem and expect not to create problems for yourself.  You would be robbing yourself of the chance to be happy. While it is hard to watch your loved one make a mistake, you have to respect that it is their choice to make. Once you have done your due diligence to be supportive and let them know that you love them, accept them and the choices they have made. Everyone has free will, and everyone has a life lesson that they need to learn on their own.

Living our authentic self means honoring all parts of who we are. That includes our thoughts, feelings, and emotions. They allow the soul to express itself in this world. We tend to bury our thoughts, feelings, and emotions to please our family, friends, and society. We do not express happiness so that others don’t get jealous. We do not show sadness so that we don’t seem ungrateful. We hide our grief so that we don’t worsen someone else’s grief. We cover up our anger so that others don’t feel unsafe. By doing these things, we also bury who we truly are, the authentic self.  ​

Finding out a loved one has died is like a detonated bomb that damages the boundaries of presence.

You have a sharp moment when you are present (finding out the person died). It creates a pain so big and powerful that your mind and soul cannot contain it. That pain explodes, creating heartbreak.

One night during my third year of college, some friends knocked on my dorm room door proclaiming, "We're going country line dancing! Let's go!" In which reality would you see a Jamaican going country line dancing in the middle of Connecticut? Apparently, in the one where your friends offer to pay for everything.

Whenever I decide to make gumbo, Bolognese meat sauce, or oxtails, it's after I build myself up physically and mentally for the process and remind myself the results are worth it.

By building myself up, I mean thinking through all I need to do throughout the process and commit to it. Commit to setting aside time to buy the ingredients, clean and season meat, clean and chop vegetables, combine the ingredients in the right order to get the best out of them, and let them simmer for 1.5 to 2 hours. I then just take a deep breath and get to it. As I leave the pot to simmer, the smell of the food wafts throughout my home, letting me know the fruit of my labor is almost at hand; but, I still have to clean up the kitchen, wash dishes, take out the trash, etc. Then, when the food is cooked and I take my first bite, I'm reminded it is all worth it.

The process is the same for going after anything that you feel is your life purpose or makes your heart sing. Creating a fulfilling life involves grueling work when preparing and taking action. Regardless of what you choose to strive for, the journey will be littered with doubts and moments that fuel your passion. So, if what you really want is truly worth it, accept the process for all it is and get to it.

I hate to break it to you; but, our lives are built on failure. You wouldn't have known how to walk without falling on your diapered baby bum a few times first. So, if failure is required to learn the basic human function of walking, why is failure considered a bad thing?

Thomas Edison failed ~1200 times to create the light bulb; but eventually, he and his team created one that worked and brightened billions of human lives from flashlights to photocopiers to the screens of our smartphones.

Failures become successes when you see each one as a learning opportunity and are open to the possibility of successes greater or different from the ones you imagined:
What does success look and feel like?
Why did this not work?
What have we not tried so far?
Who can help?
When is the better time to act?
Where can we get what we need?
How will this change create success?

When your work performance takes a plunge, the seam you stitch on that pillowcase is not straight, or you do not pass a test, remind yourself that you've failed many times before, and those failures eventually led to a success. Look at the situation as a learning experience, and you may achieve a greater success than you bargained for.

There are no two people who are exactly the same physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. Your soul is unique and far reaching, affecting more souls than you know in more ways than you can imagine. Your impact can be the care you gave, the words you spoke, the smiles you shared, and the words you wrote.

A hug you gave may have soothed someone's weary soul, stearing them from a deep depression. Your achievements, no matter how small, may have inspired a perseverance in others that drove them to successful careers. Sharing stories about yourself may have helped someone who can relate to them feel less alone in this giant world. Offering a child a piece of candy may have been the first moment they realized they truly matter. The things we do that seem simple or insignificant can have a majestic impact on another's life.

So, if someone doesn't understand your grief, that is fine. It simply means the impact of that lost soul was meant specifically for you. That departed soul had a meaningful purpose to fulfill in your life's journey. They fulfilled that purpose, and your grief is a painful yet pure, non-discriminating, and boundless appreciation for what that departed soul made possible for you.